Why You Should Boycott Kellogg

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Kellogg has dropped Michael Phelps because someone found a photo of him smoking pot. Phelps apologized, but here’s the letter he should have written instead:

Dear America,

I take it back. I don’t apologize.

Because you know what? It’s none of your goddamned business. I work my ass off 10 months per year. It’s that hard work that gave you all those gooey feelings of patriotism last summer. If during my brief window of down time I want to relax, enjoy myself, and partake of a substance that’s a hell of a lot less bad for me than alcohol, tobacco, or, frankly, most of the prescription drugs most of you are taking, well, you can spare me the lecture.

I put myself through hell. I make my body do things nature never really intended us to endure. All world-class athletes do. We do it because you love to watch us push ourselves as far as we can possibly go. Some of us get hurt. Sometimes permanently. You’re watching the Super Bowl tonight. You’re watching 300 pound men smash each while running at full speed, in full pads. You know what the average life expectancy of an NFL player is? Fifty-five. That’s about 20 years shorter than your average non-NFL player. Yet you watch. And cheer. And you jump up spill your beer when a linebacker lays out a wide receiver on a crossing route across the middle. The harder he gets hit, the louder and more enthusiastically you scream.

Yet you all get bent out of shape when Ricky Williams, or I, or Josh Howard smoke a little dope to relax. Why? Because the idiots you’ve elected to make your laws have have without a shred of evidence beat it into your head that smoking marijuana is something akin to drinking antifreeze, and done only by dirty hippies and sex offenders.

You’ll have to pardon my cynicism. But I call bullshit. You don’t give a damn about my health. You just get a voyeuristic thrill from watching an elite athlete fall from grace–all the better if you get to exercise a little moral righteousness in the process. And it’s hypocritical righteousness at that, given that 40 percent of you have tried pot at least once in your lives.

Here’s a crazy thought: If I can smoke a little dope and go on to win 14 Olympic gold medals, maybe pot smokers aren’t doomed to lives of couch surfing and video games, as our moronic government would have us believe. In fact, the list of successful pot smokers includes not just world class athletes like me, Howard, Williams, and others, it includes Nobel Prize winners, Pulitzer Prize winners, the last three U.S. presidents, several Supreme Court justices, and luminaries and success stories from all sectors of business and the arts, sciences, and humanities.

So go ahead. Ban me from the next Olympics. Yank my endorsement deals. Stick your collective noses in the air and get all indignant on me. While you’re at it, keep arresting cancer and AIDS patients who dare to smoke the stuff because it deadens their pain, or enables them to eat. Keep sending in goon squads to kick down doors and shoot little old ladies, maim innocent toddlers, handcuff elderly post-polio patients to their beds at gunpoint, and slaughter the family pet.

Tell you what. I’ll make you a deal. I’ll apologize for smoking pot when every politician who ever did drugs and then voted to uphold or strengthen the drug laws marches his ass off to the nearest federal prison to serve out the sentence he wants to impose on everyone else for committing the same crimes he committed. I’ll apologize when the sons, daughters, and nephews of powerful politicians who get caught possessing or dealing drugs in the frat house or prep school get the same treatment as the no-name, probably black kid caught on the corner or the front stoop doing the same thing.

Until then, I for one will have none of it. I smoked pot. I liked it. I’ll probably do it again. I refuse to apologize for it, because by apologizing I help perpetuate this stupid lie, this idea that what someone puts into his own body on his own time is any of the government’s damned business. Or any of yours. I’m not going to bend over and allow myself to be propaganda for this wasteful, ridiculous, immoral war.

Go ahead and tear me down if you like. But let’s see you rationalize in your next lame ONDCP commercial how the greatest motherfucking swimmer the world has ever seen . . . is also a proud pot smoker.

Yours,

Michael Phelps

Boycott Kelloggs. And let them know why.

12 comments to “Why You Should Boycott Kellogg”

  1. Comment by jonatham:

    Kelloggs has lost all of my business, and trust me, I eat A LOT of cereal.

  2. Comment by David:

    I totally agree, and left a similar comment on mixx

  3. Comment by Bart:

    Damn excellent letter. I just let Kellogg’s know that I’m quitting them as well.

  4. Comment by Alison:

    Wonderful letter.

    I am behind you in the boycott and will advise all my friends to do the same.

  5. Comment by Kevin Dean:

    I’ve written a letter to Kellogg’s today, explaining to them why they have lost my business. I urge other people who support the free market to vote with their money and tell Kellogg’s why your won’t buy their stuff.

    http://monochromementality.com/index.php/blog/show/Kellogg%27s-Drop-Phelps%2C-I-Drop-Kelloggs….html

  6. Comment by Ed:

    Spread the word and let kellog know your spreading the word. Boycott until they apologize to Mr. Phelps and restore his endorsements.

  7. Comment by Dontbuykellogg:

    This thing is really picking up steam
    someone already set up a site specifically for boycotting Kellogg

    http://www.thekelloggboycott.com / http://thekelloggboycott.com/

  8. Comment by Sol Trotter:

    This is stupid! Kelloggs has no reason to stick by my Phelps. Phelps, Bonds, Vic, etc. a crime is crime, why should he not have to pay for his stupidity?

  9. Comment by Steven:

    Sounds great, but he can’t use because he was drunk as fuck that night before he started smoking pot. So he can’t write a letter saying he doesn’t drink alcohol when he was slamming shots that people were buying him all night long.

  10. Comment by JohnUSA:

    Kelloggs should dump the diver, or be guilty of dumpster diving. So he can swim — he makes perpetually bad decisions about the company he keeps (pot heads…DUI…I’m just saying…) I support Kellogg’s decision now that it has been made. Don’t worry though, Michael will still know what time it is thanks to the Omega and Speedo sponsorhips — time for another HIT — and I’m sure Michael will get by (and high) with a little help from his friends at those companies.

  11. Comment by emily:

    I too have just written a letter to kellogg’s. They suck. I eat a lot of their products and I informed them that i will no longer be buying their products do to their outrageous actions.

    DAMN GOOD LETTER.

    Here’s some facts:

    80% of all textiles, fabrics, clothes, linen, drapes, bed sheets, etc. were made from hemp until the 1820s with the introduction of the cotton gin.

    Hemp fuel is non-toxic, biodegradable and does not contribute to sulfur dioxide air poisoning.

    Refusing to grow Hemp in America during the 17th and 18th Centuries was against the law. You could be jailed in Virginia for refusing to grow hemp from 1763 to 1769.

    Let me just leave you with these quotes:

    “Even if one takes every reefer madness allegation of the prohibitionists at face value, marijuana prohibition has done far more harm to far more people than marijuana ever could.”
    - William F. Buckley Jr. quote on Marijuana

    “Make the most you can of the Indian Hemp seed and sow it everywhere.”
    - George Washington, U.S. President quote on Hemp

    “Two of my favorite things are sitting on my front porch smoking a pipe of sweet hemp, and playing my Hohner harmonica.” – Abraham Lincoln (from a letter written by Lincoln during his presidency to the head of the Hohner Harmonica Company in Germany)

    “Why use up the forests which were centuries in the making and the mines which required ages to lay down, if we can get the equivalent of forest and mineral products in the annual growth of the hemp fields?” – Henry Ford, whose first Model-T was constructed from hemp fibers and built to run on hemp gasoline

    “That is not a drug. It’s a leaf.” – Arnold Schwarzenegger, Governor of California

  12. Comment by Charlotte:

    Amazing letter! I’ll spread this about…

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