I made her cry. I felt horrible. She knows I hate to hear her cry. I didn’t know what else to do, though.
Today I stayed late at work and ended up blowing out an onboard IDE controller (an expensive mistake). This is after lying on my back for about an hour fucking with the internals of this one PC. I was so mad. I got a call on my cell phone, but ignored it since I thought it was probably Joseph calling about plans after work. When I listed to the message a few minutes later, I couldn’t help but smile. No matter how badly my day is going, I can’t help but smile when I hear Danielle’s voice.
We talked for a couple of hours, and after a while, it started happening. Ever since she told me she no longer has more-than-a-friend feelings for me, I’ve tried to suppress my feelings for her in hopes of salvaging the possibility of an excellent friendship. It’s worked for the most part, kind of. I mean, I’ve been able to do it thus far, but every now and then it starts to kill me that we’re not together. My mind becomes filled with what-ifs, and all of my weaknesses and inadequacies are mentally brought to my attention. I start to question myself, and then think less of myself for being me. Anyway, while it makes me smile to hear her voice, and while I’m sure she means well, I end up feeling sad and regretful about half of the times we talk.
So my options were either to continue to suffer or to say something. I chose the latter. I tried to explain that as much as I’ve tried to be just friends, and as much as I love hearing from her, I can’t help but have feelings for her and have feelings of regret when I think about us not being together.
She started asking if this meant we couldn’t talk anymore or if this meant she couldn’t come visit anymore and whether or not this meant we couldn’t vacation together, etc. And then she started crying. It really made me feel horrible. I didn’t mean that we should never speak to each other again. I just can’t continue to do this to myself every other week. I didn’t know what else to do.